Blanchard for Prime Minister! Comedy Fight in Milton

Well, we thought it would just be another stellar...cough... night at the Hardball Cafe in Milton.

I'll just skip to the meat and potatoes of this.

Jason Blanchard (www.jasonblanchard.com) was the host for the Very Very Dirty Show at the Hardball Cafe. This room is run by Charles McCarroll and usually draws a crowd of 3 people. Not Charles' fault - the place doesn't usually advertise. This night they did....

Had a crowd of about 20 people - I showed up and Blanchard was hosting the show. The show's actually going well but there was a group of about 5 or 6 people in the back that were talking. I'm sitting at the bar and Charles walks over to them to ask them to stop talking. The guy he's talking to is drunk and says he's the head of security for the Hardball Cafe or something like that and keeps on talking to the group.

Jason hears them talking - walks over to them and asked them to move to the other side of the bar. You'd think they would - but they would not. They said something to Jason - Jason said something back - and it got a wee bit heated.

So the guy on stage finishes his set and Blanchard gets on stage and tells the guys to shut up once again and to go to the other side of the bar. They start swearing back - so Blanchard burns them good (something about being inbred and from Acton). THEN one of the guys says he's with the Hell's Angels (apparently he actually was not) - Jason referenced him being inbred once again (and seriously - the way he spoke I think he was) and the guy got pissed. I'm watching from the back of the room and the guy starts running toward the stage through the crowd and grabs a chair.

Now - the guy was drunk and a wee bit coherent but when he's got a chair in his hand I think he means business. We saw Jason getting into a fight position.

I moved to the side of the stage yelling "chair!". That's my best fight move. There's one guy so all should be okay, right? You can see Jason holding the mic stand - that has now turned into a weapon.

Another guy walks up and I go to get in the way. I wouldn't be able to take him down or anything like that so I tried to talk to him. That....didn't work. He's the head of security at the Hardball Cafe so Blanchard's buddy said to him "You're the head of security - you've got to break this up". He's head of security so he goes through - all should be good....right? Nope. The head of security was going there to kick Jason's ass.

So the guy with the chair gets onstage and I think he swung it at him (Jason will probably have a better memory than I do). Jason grabbed him and THREW him off the stage. The guy went into the first row.

The head of security came up to him - Blanchard flipped him to the ground so the guy was at his mercy. Jason's got two fists up and said "Come on - I'm ex-Airborne bitch!". It was eventually broken up as those guys got taken away.

They then said they called the Hells Angels and that they would be there in 5 minutes. Jason grabbed the mic and was going to bring the next guy on to the stage - but the show obviously got canceled. And it wasn't the Hells Angels that came in 5 minutes - it was 4 police cars.

Merry Christmas Milton!

Baby? Already?

Ethan Daniel Greenway Hope is born!

Here's the story:

So...sitting at work and my wife Kathleen calls letting me know she's not feeling well - has cramps. I ask her if she wants me to come home. She says no - it's not labour - just really bad pains. Please note - I am not the smartest man - so I say okay, no problem.

I get home around 5:30pm and she is in PAIN. Having these pains every minute or so. Which, having watched one video on "Laugh and Learn About Childbirth" (oooohhhh, the laughing that ensued after watching this video - from a comedian's perspective....not funny) I learned that I should time these pains. I personally thought they were contractions and I asked if we should go to the hospital. Kat and I agreed that since it's our first baby - how could it arrive early? She went to the doctor on Monday and he said that she's not ready yet.

So, we went in our little handbook, called the Triage nurse, and she said that these are pre-labour pains and that she's not in labour. Now that I think about it we could have been talking to a custodian who's last Hurrah was to screw with the patients.

Kathleen goes to the washroom - only place she's comfortable. I, as being a caring husband for my future child, ate mini-eggs and watched the Sens lose horribly to the Sabres. Mmmmm, mini-eggs. Me likes them.

At around 10pm I let Kat know that I was going to bed. This is normal as she can't sleep in the bed as it's uncomfortable so she's been sleeping on the couch. I kept my cell phone by my side in case she needed a drink of water or something. So here's me, 10:00PM, falling asleep to Law and Order: Special Victims Unit. Oh yes, sweet dreams happen after you watch this show.

12:08AM. Cell phone rings. It's Kat. "I can feel the baby's head! The baby's coming!!!!" This is said with crying and screaming. Normally, I would make a comment like "So...no hello? No 'how are you?'" But, in order to keep my life, I dropped the phone and ran downstairs. And yes, the BABY WAS COMING. I went from being dead asleep to attempting to deliver a baby. These are the dreams I usually have after falling asleep to SVU ironically.

12:10AM. I call 911. They tell me to lie her down and all that jazz - make a makeshift delivery area with towels and blankets. Kat's been bugging me for two weeks to change the bed sheets in our bedroom, and since she hasn't been sleeping in there, I haven't changed them. I decided to kill 2 birds with 1 stone and grab those sheets.

While I'm talking to the operator I now realize that this would be the only time that it would be appropriate to use a bluetooth headset and not look like an idiot. The operator lets me know that due to the snowstorm the ambulance is 25 minutes away. PERFECT. Firetrucks and police will be here shortly.

I won't go into the nitty gritty but the lady on the phone asked if I could see the head. I said I didn't know - I saw something - felt like a head - or maybe a deformed butt. Kat's screaming, I'm in a wee bit of a panic mode - then the 911 operator let me know that the firemen have arrived. These guys came in - calm, cool, and collective, and took over. A policewoman came in and the 911 operator asked me to give the phone to her so I can support Kat when she's giving birth.

I am VERY happy that I cut my hair on the weekend so Kat didn't have anything to pull. She called me names that we'll have to discuss over dinner at a later date and that are probably not appropriate for the blog. I was sitting behind her head (oh, and we looked like the coolest couple - because I was wearing my gym clothes WITH black socks and she had no pants) and she was using my triceps as stress balls. Comfortable - but I can't really complain about this as she's probably in a bit more pain. Probably.

The paramedics say that they'll have to get her to a Hospital. Now the heart starts pumping as I'm thinking there's something wrong. The ambulance is full so the policewoman asked if I wanted a ride with her. I said no as I'll drive my car. She said I could follow her. Easy, right? Perfect plan?

I run up, grab all the stuff that we need for the delivery room for when Ethan is born, come back down, lock the door, turn around - police car is gone. Didn't wait for me to follow. I think - well, I'll follow the ambulance as it's sitting right there. Not a problem. Right? Wrong. I wipe off the car, wait for the ambulance to leave. It's not moving. I'm wondering what's going on in there so I run up to the ambulance and look inside. THE AMBULANCE IS RUNNING BUT NO ONE'S IN THE FREAKING THING! I've been duped!!

Side note: When I thought about it after I left, the neighbors probably think I committed a horrible crime. As Kat was lying down in our front hallway she was screaming louder than I've ever heard someone scream before. Then the police show up with the firetruck and the ambulance. I'm thinking of putting up yellow caution tape around my house tomorrow just to keep the rumours going.

So, I go to drive to the hospital. It's Trillium, not William Osler which is the one we were supposed to go to. I've never been to Trillium but the guy said that it was at Hurontario and Queensway. Okay....so I'll drive around and look for the Hospital. Cuz I've got a lot of time. Yup. I go to phone 411 to get the exact address - and then realized that the policewoman still has my phone. Is this possible? Did this happen? Do I now have no way to contact family and all that about the baby? What if Kat is trying to call me? I'm thinking that I'm a dead man driving. So....I turn the car around, get Kat's phone from the house, and start phoning my phone because now I can actually have contact with the people who have Kat. IF they pick up the phone. Which they didn't the first 5 times.

Finally, someone picks up.


"Hello?"


"Hi yes, you have my cell phone. How is Kathleen doing?"


"Who's this?" Who's this.....REALLY????? 1AM, you're answering MY PHONE, and you're asking who it is? Who do you think it is?????? Is what I wanted to say with a couple more curses....

"Uhhh, the husband (they never got my name - kept on calling me Dad which I didn't catch on to right away. In the midst of Kat's expletives she managed to say that they're talking to me). You are talking on my phone."

"Oh - she's in Emergency right now - no word yet". Jesus. What the hell does that mean?

So, I call my parents, let them know the baby is coming.

I call my mother-in-law to let her know the same thing. I get a call on the other line - it's the paramedic who now has my phone and he let me know that the baby was born! In Emergency at Trillium at 12:59AM. I was at Hurontario and Dundas at the time so I was pretty close to seeing him born (although I did see his head before anyone else).

So, to make a long story long. I was woken up at midnight and in less than an hour I was a Dad, two weeks before I expected to be. Tis a great feeling. The nurse told me that for our next baby (if there is) that we should come in when she is feeling those pains again. NO SHIT.

Kat was a real trooper - I don't know how she put up with the pain. Ethan's a healthy boy and I look forward to when he can fetch me beer.

My first video blog - not a New Year's Resolution

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mZjZGzPf3F0

Okay, so what's new - quite a bit!

It's been a great month - from September 7th to October 7th:

September 7th - took posession of our house. It's a condo townhouse in Mississauga and it's pretty sweet. Four bathroom/3 bedroom place with a patio. Thank God - it's been 7 years since I was able to barbecue.

When we took posession they gave us the keys, told us that it was ours. Kat and I were really excited - we go in, put the key in the lock, and open the door. We found that there was someone still in the house - attempting to clean it up as it was a freakin mess. They left quite a bit of stuff in the house and the former owner's mother was there vaccuming. She told us to leave and come back in 20 minutes....we did. I don't know why we had to leave as it was our place but we did what we were told.

September 17th - we found out that our baby is healthy! Very cool seeing the ultrasound. The place we went was a pretty shady area but they did the job anyway. We found out the sex of the baby but I'll let you know what it is next week as my parents don't know yet - they'd be a little pissed if they found out on my blog....meh, who are we kidding. My parents don't know what a blog is.

September 14th - I did a comedy competition on Q107 and won a Sony Bravia TV and Home Theatre System. It was between 3 comics, and since the first one hadn't really done stand-up before, and Dave "2nd Place Always" Paterson was on the show, I had a pretty decent shot at it. Dave had a great set but since he ALWAYS finishes second (except for sex, which while I don't have first-hand knowledge of this, I'm pretty sure he's first) the judge decided to award me the tv. Not too shabby for telling 3 minutes of dick jokes.

September 21st - got really drunk and somehow found a way to upgrade my TV. I went out with people from my work and it just so happens that my boss' boyfriend actually knows the people that are delivering my tv. He said that he'd give me a contact number for the guy to see what he can do to upgrade it!

I phoned the guy and he was a huge help. Instead of the 37" Rear Screen Projection TV, for $200 I got it upgraded to a 40" Flat Screen Sony Bravia, which is really about a $900 upgrade. Me was happy.

September 28th - tv was delivered. We drank beer while we hung the tv on the wall.

October 3rd - Ottawa/Toronto tickets? REALLY? My buddy called me up - told me that he had an extra ticket on opening night at the ACC. FOR FREE. As I'm a huge Ottawa Senators fan, I had to go. I was originally going to say no as I was having people over to watch the game on the TV to break it in - but I thought about it and it truly was a no-brainer. I phoned everyone to cancel and I went down to the ACC to watch the Sens win.

October 4th - watched Ottawa beat Toronto AGAIN. This time at my buddy's place, but it was still good to watch.

October 7th - First Year Anniversary.

I am now off the phone, 45 minutes later, from tallking to my Mom. What did we discuss? Text Messaging. How to text message.My nephew in Newcastle wants my Mom, his grandmother (way to do the math meatheads), to text him as he just got a new cell phone. Obviously, a text message going overseas will practically be free - as I continually get bent over by Telus due to my text messaging and my internet. $900 phone bill anyone? Yup, I got one last month. That was fantastic. Oh, my wife and I jumped around and rejoiced! Woohoo! What was my $900 for? Apparently I stayed connected to the internet for 2 days straight. You'd think it would shut itself down....but no, Telus doesn't. Anyway, I'm blowing guys in the parking lot to make up the extra dough (if you are family and you are reading this...uhh...that's a joke.....and if you're not family....meet me in the parking lot). Holy Tangent Batman!So, the T9 (T9 is the auto-spelling on texting to make it easier for you poor saps that don't have a QWERTY keypad - that sounds really nerdy....)was on my mom's phone for text messaging. She's in Kingston and I'm in Toronto so I was trying to explain over our land lines that the T9 was on. She didn't know how to turn it off. She was trying to recall a message that she had sent to my nephew as, instead of saying "I love you" it said "I loom". She couldn't recall it. Why? Why couldn't she recall it? Two reasons: 1. You can't recall text messages.2. It was never sent as it was in her Draft items, which I found out 10 minutes later.45 minutes later we got to the menu options. We got rid of the T9. I asked her if it was done. She said yes. Then I said that I had to go. She understood as I nearly lost it quite a few times.And, to make it all sappy at the end, she sent me a text message after we hung up telling me that she loved me. I texted her back letting her know that I loomed her.

I went to Subway last night after I did a comedy show on the Danforth. The guy at Subway was on the phone in the back. I let him know my presence after a minute as no one was coming out. I saw him in the back - he was on his cell phone - he let me know he would be there in a minute. After 5 minutes I could still hear him on his cell phone.....So what would a mature adult like me do? Instead of yelling to the back and cursing this guy, I decided that I would steal. That's right - a hard-nosed criminal is writing this e-mail.I was standing by the cashier where he couldn't see me. I placed my arm strategically so he wouldn't be able to see it and I stole 4 - YES, 4, chocolate chip cookies. The one problem I had was that I was now standing in the store with 4 cookies in my hand and no bag in sight. As he was still on the phone, I decided to go for it. I reached around (that sounds kind of dirty...), got on one foot, and grabbed a Subway bag. Twas very dangerous - especially since they did have a camera in the back. I then left the store, never to enter again.I got back to the car and Kathleen saw the whole thing - she was really proud of me. Well, maybe not.

MEMPHIS BABY, MEMPHIS!

It has been a week since I have left Memphis and I now think my liver has healed. I went down to Tennessee for a training course with Marriott (called Sales School) and I took full advantage of the bar district that was 5 blocks down from us.Things I learned:1. Don't try the "Big Ass Beer". What they lack in taste they make up with quantity.2. Don't buy a Teddy Bear at 2am from 2 men on a deserted street. Long story short - I now own a Michael Jordan Teddy Bear and I think I got raped.3. The Civil Rights Museum does NOT sell MLK Jr. Bobbleheads. 4. Elvis did not write his own songs - just so you know. Little tidbit I learned.5. Don't come back to your boss and attempt to expense $300 in alcohol - especially when half of your receipts are from Coyote Ugly. Listing them as "adult motivational beverages" did not help.All in all it was great - drank for a week straight which wasn't TOO healthy and also tried the food that killed Elvis. Fried peanut butter and banana sandwiches....fool.Visited Graceland, Sun Studios (where Elvis, Roy Orbison, Johnny Cash got their starts) and the Civil Rights Museum. Oh, and we convinced the bartender to watch the Sens game (Game 2 against Buffalo).Very fun place to visit, I would never want to live there.

Peterborough

In case you wanted to know, there are 23 broken-down school buses from Ottawa to Peterborough if you drive along Highway 7. My wife's from this town ( I refuse to call it a city - it will be a city once they stop bragging that they have 2 McDonald's) and I do come here all the time.

Here are the main attractions in Peterborough:

The Peterborough Zoo!.....Retarded, I don't think they have a monkey. It's just a farm with cages....although farms have cages so....it's a farm.

You can check out the HIGHEST Lift Locks in North America! I saw them - they are high. It was exciting.

You can check out the Lift Lock Museum!!! Where it displays pictures of the HIGHEST Lift Locks in North America! Of course, if you look out the window at the museum, you'll see the Lift Locks.

It's very exciting.