What a Year So Far

I don't know - it seems like every year gets better. This year is no different.

We have an amazing boy Ethan - his personality has really developed and he's at the stage right now where he loves getting things for me. "Ethan - pass me that bottle opener". "Sure Daddy!" and he'll go and grab me a shoe and give it to me. We're still working out the kinks but we're getting there.


My beautiful wife Kathleen and I are expecting a second child in February - on February 14th actually. Ethan was born on February 13th so if they happen to be born on the same day that could really be cost-effective. We know what gender it is but my brother-in-law doesn't want to know so I won't announce it here.

I love golf - and this year I hit a Hole in One - 129 yards with an 8-Iron. I kept the ball and will be getting it framed because odds are it will never happen again. I'm going to put it next to my first home run ball - although I don't have that framed either. I'm not worried about the baseball going missing but I know if I don't do something with the golf ball soon I'll probably take the "lucky ball" to see if it has any more magic and it'll wind up in a lake in Kingston. My Driver is in a lake in Ottawa - but I put it there on purpose. It wasn't very nice to me.

My brother Brent got married to my fabulous sister-in-law Louise and we all got to attend the wedding in Turks & Caicos.





We sold our house - finally. It was on the market for 4 months and it sold.

We bought a house right away. We moved to Kingston in June and had our eye on one house the whole time. We kept expecting it to sell but it stayed on the market as long as our house did. We can't believe it worked out that day but it did. We move in next Thursday.

From June until next week we will have stayed at my parents house living in the basement. If they didn't live here I don't know what we could have done. We're paying a mortgage in Mississauga but Kathleen got a job in Kingston so we had to move right away. As much as I make jokes about moving back in with da parents - it was the ideal scenario for us and they couldn't have been more accommodating. We feel bad staying so long but I know they were happy to get to know their grandson more.

I've done a lot of comedy shows this year but obviously the Afghanistan shows were the highlight of my career. The only thing left for me is to get on national television and hopefully that will happen sometime in the near future. I'm not looking to get famous - that would be awesome though - I just like reaching the top at anything I do. Getting on national tv won't get me famous - but it'd be a heck of a story to tell the kids.

And obviously - next year will be even better as I'll have TWO people to train to get the bottle opener. At least I'll get a pair of shoes.

I Love Small Towns

Dave Paterson (www.davepaterson.ca), Andrew Evans (youtube him as he for whatever reason does not have a website) and myself ventured out to Clarence Creek on Saturday night to do a minor hockey fundraiser.

As usual - we always forget something. I asked Andrew to bring the mic stand. He brought everything else EXCEPT the mic stand. He brought the mic clip - smart guy. While I was making fun of him for this I realized that I forgot my wallet in Kingston. SO....I guess we're even.

Andrew also told me he brought a spotlight - and I thought that was brilliant. I didn't realize he had one and since mine was in Toronto this worked out perfectly. That's what I thought anyway until he showed me. He actually only brought the bulb. So we have a bulb but nothing to put it in. I'm not sure what we're supposed to do with this - maybe lift it up over our heads whenever we have a good idea - I dunno.

Our hotel was in Rockland so when we checked in the girl at the front desk was giving me directions to my room. There are only 2 floors and my room started with a 2 (225) so I thought I could piece it together myself but I thought I'd listen anyway. She said that it was on the right-hand side then corrected herself and said left-hand. I asked if my room was the one with 225 on the door. She did not laugh - so....I left to my room.

The show was awesome - probably about 120 people there and they had a lot of fun. Dave had the best set I've seen him do.

I love doing these shows. When we bring our show to a town that doesn't have a comedy venue they are always very appreciative. When you feel welcome at a place it makes the evening so much better.

Oh - and I thought I would leave my comedy writing book in Clarence Creek as a thank-you. It is either at the arena or in the hotel - twas fun while it lasted. And it has my journal from Afghanistan in there too so that's GREAT.

Flight back

We were going for a long flight back. Filled with euchre, food and fun times. Here's a video I got of myself and Alex Gasson - an MMA Fighter.

This was in Germany - and no, I don't know what I was thinking.




We were going to set up a stage in the back to play on but I think everyone was too tired. We got to fly on the PM's plane again so it was a great ride back. I kept on checking my watch though as we were to land at 5:30pm and I had a show at 7pm. I figured there would not be a chance to make it but the show was close enough to the airport that if we landed on time then I could do it.

We landed ahead of time - made it to the show with all of my bags and the show was actually in a military mess. Ya - comedian coming back from Kandahar gets to do a show in a military mess the day he comes back - how many other people have done that? Can't be many. Show was great - got a HUGE ovation when they heard I came back from Afghanistan so when I got on stage I really couldn't fail.

After the show someone from there dropped me off at the Holiday Inn as Louise had booked me a hotel room. I asked to check-in and they didn't have my name in the system. I was dead tired so I was looking for the confirmation number in my bag when a girl came up and asked me about my shirt. It said "Afghanistan 2010" on it so I told her I just came back. She said her hubby was over there and he was a gunner on a Chinook. I said "I was just on a Chinook!" and she let me know that he flew with Guy Lafleur on Monday. That was our helicopter!

Weird how small the world is.

Oh - and as it turns out - I was supposed to go to the Days Inn.

DUBAI

Please note that I am writing this at 5am and I've been up for an hour. My boy Ethan decided to get up at 4:15am wailing and asking where SnuffleUffleGus (no clue how to spell that....elephant from Sesame Street) went. Obviously it's difficult to try and talk common sense into a 2 1/2 year old - you can't really shake him and say "DAMNIT MAN - IT'S NOT REAL!". Especially at 4:30am - so we decided to look for him and now we're both up. Perfect.

I've never been to Dubai and never really done any research on it (I knew how to spell it - that's about it) but from what I have heard they say that 1/3 of the world's cranes are in Dubai. No doubt - I probably saw over 100 cranes and I was only there for the day.

Below are two pics - they are about 10 minutes apart - you go from HOT desert - to well...ok - the HOT city. But green grass - we hadn't seen that in about a week or so so we were loving Dubai already.



We went to the Dubai Marina & Beach Resort - paid $50 and we got all-day access to the beach. The first thing every single person did was....go get a beer. No beer allowed on the base - and with the heat in Dubai and the water right in front of us - beer was mandatory.

I bought my beer and gave $10 US - the gentleman took the money and put it in the till. I stood there waiting for another minute and he said "your bill is done sir". I guess it was a $10 beer. Well....won't be having too many of those.

I went into the water and I've never felt warmer sea water in my life. Usually there is a chill when you go into the ocean - this was just warm - almost like a hot tub.

Pic on the right is with Edwin from Crash Karma.

Pic on the left is with Wendy from Virgin Radio and on the right is Dave from Crash Karma. He's a replacement for the band and typically plays in Thornley but filled-in for this trip.

We had a fabulous time on the beach and then we decided to hit the market.

One thing to note - you can NOT be drunk or even smell like beer in Dubai in public. Them's the rules. If you are and you're caught - it's a public lashing. So.....we watched our beer VERY carefully as the last people you want to get mad are the UAE Army. They are already not really happy with Canada right now.

The market was nuts - you barter everywhere so you just need to find out how low you can go. The owner of one said $50 and one of our guys replied back, "$1". And the price immediately got dropped to $30. I didn't think that would be the best strategy but it worked.

I bought one pair of shoes. They were too small for me but I really couldn't tell the guy they weren't great. We spent the whole time bartering. I got him down to $20 US so I needed to go to the bank machine. He asked if he could follow me to the bank machine. I thought it was odd so I said "sure". Why not, eh? We got to the bank and none of our bank cards would work - I'm not sure what it was but I was with a few other people and none worked. So I turned to the guy and said sorry - couldn't buy them. He asked if I had ANY money on me. I had $15 Canadian. He took it. SO THAT'S HOW YOU BARTER. Just walk around with very little cash - give a frowny face and say "that's all I have".

Below is a pic of the tallest building in the world. I really should have thought about it before taking the pic as it doesn't look very tall from that angle. The light post in front looks taller.



For dinner we went to the Irish Village - or better known as the White People Hangout. Everyone there was white - it was very odd to see right in Dubai. There were probably a couple thousand people at the Village.



After dinner we headed back to where we were sleeping - and of course before that we had to stand outside while someone from the UAE Army inspects all of us and our passport. You know - the usual.

Day 5

Da last day in Afghanistan. This is where we got to visit the Alamo of the Taliban - their last stand at the airport.

This is where they said Bin Laden was when the US dropped a bomb on the airport. The bomb didn't explode but there was a HUGE hole in the ceiling obviously and although it didn't go off - I'm pretty sure it still hurt a couple of people.


Nice picture to have. There probably used to be a "falling bombs" one.

From there we got our group pic - and I got one with the fighters.


The pic to the right is of Gavin and Louise - the faboulous people that set up the trip.

After we finished up at the airport we moved on to the hospital on the base - run by mainly Canadians and Americans. Below is a pic of the chief surgeon - he's a Washington Capitals fan (as you can see by the hat) - poor guy.



From there we went on to our hockey game. We were playing against the troops in this match....and it wasn't really a match. We got our butts handed to us. In the tv clip they said we lost 6-2 - they were being nice to us. I know they AT LEAST had 11 goals.

I've never been more exhausted than when I played in that game. Because we are at a high altitude, breathing in sand and playing in 40 degree weather - I thought I was going to vomit. No joke - when we watched a game on Monday with Canada vs Slovakia in ball hockey - 2 Canadian guys went over to the garbage can, threw up, and hopped back on the bench. Apparently it was common but I was really hoping not to join that elite group. I got to play on the same line as Guy Lafleur - not too many common folk get to say that.


And here is a link from the Canadian Press about the game:
http://www.lethbridgeherald.com/hockey-night-in-kandahar/2/241/1.html

After the game we got packed up to leave Kandahar. The week REALLY flew by. Before we left they took us to the memorial to commemorate all of the Fallen Soldiers in Afghanistan.

They will be taking the Memorial back to Canada when the troops pull out. This is a beautiful memorial and the best piece of architecture in Afghanistan.

We had our last dinner with the crew at KAF and then we flew off to just outside of Dubai.



We took a Herc out - and if you have been on one of those planes before - you know how loud it can be. This flight was only 3 hours - I took a Herc to Hawaii one time and it was 10 hours. That may have been the longest 10 hours of my life - but it was only $15 to fly from Winnipeg to Hawaii so you can't really argue about the price.

We arrived and I think everyone crashed immediately as we were off to Dubai in the morning.

Day 4

Today we were off to visit the air force area and see the choppers.

Here is where I met Jerry Reid - he's a gunner for the Griffin helicopter. I have been in a Griffin helicopter before and that was when I rode with a bunch of 8 year olds on Family Day. Jerry's a great guy and I think he has the best job in the CF. He said that EVERYONE is happy to see him (except Taliban) as they are mainly there to cover the ground troops and the Chinooks. He said that he loves to have everyone's back - very cool.

Pat Coutu was our pilot on Monday and I met him. He looks MUCH more intimidating with the helmet on. Really nice guy and I'm hoping to meet up with both of these guys when they're back home.





From here we had some lunch and got ready to watch the MMA fights. BOO-YA. I wasn't really a huge fan of UFC or MMA before but I really enjoyed watching this.

The strange part was that these guys had to hang out for the week - which must be a little bit strange as they are going to be punching each other on this day.





All of the fighters had something to say to the Canadian troops which was great. Well most of them did - one was knocked out so we let that slide THIS TIME.

We went back to the Canada House where I bumped into some old army buddies. I'll post those pics up in a bit.

Day 3

Well - this was the day of the big show - October 12.

We started off with the MMA weigh-in in the morning and they did it right outside the Canada House. It was definitely a show for the ladies as all of them were bare-chested so there were quite a few cat-calls. After seeing this I decided to keep my shirt on for the duration of the trip. They did the stare down against their opponent and then moved on with the next weigh-ins. I joked about making bets on guys and one of the fighters said "if someone bets against me I'm going to be pissed". I decided not to mention it to them anymore - although I did ask one guy to go down in the second round for me - and he did not.





From there we went and checked out the CF weaponry - and we have a lot of it. I met guys that go deep outside the wire and some guys knew just a wee bit too much about sniper rifles. I'm not sure exactly what they do but I think I pieced it together. I got to here stories about how one guy actually had to shoot his way out of a situation. "All part of what we do". HOLY. That has to be one of the biggest adrenaline rushes of someone's life. I'm glad he made it out.

And yes - I was like a little kid saying "Can I go in the tank? Can I hold the shotgun?" Well - I hope little kids don't ask about the shotgun but you know what I mean.







From there we had an option to either prep for the show in the evening or go see a UAV - it's a Canadian drone. I'm really glad that I chose to do this as it was very interesting to see. We got to see the communications area and what they do and we got to see a UAV land - and I asked if I was able to tape it and post it and they said no problem so here it is. The video is a minute long but it takes about 30 seconds for you to actually see it.





After that we got to go see one of the most disgusting things you can imagine. They call it the "poo pond". There's not a proper sewage system in Kandahar so they actually just have a pond in the base where they drain the sewage. And yes - it was my fault - I jokingly said that we should go and see it but I guess the driver did not understand the sarcasm. So - I nearly vomited as the smell is just brutal but I managed to get a pic from the bus. When we were driving by there was a guy right beside it that was just eating a sandwich. That baffled me.



After that we went back to get ready for the show. About 30 minutes before the show we heard a siren wail and that indicated that we were getting a rocket attack. So we did what they said and hit the dirt. Waited 30 seconds and then went inside. They said that we were lucky because there are usually 3 or 4 in a week but we'd only had 1 so far. Lucky me! Everyone was calm though so it wasn't an issue.

We got to meet the Commanding Officer of the Afghanistan mission in the back tent. He made the intros for the show and forgot my name. I forget what I said but we had a good laugh about it when he came back in and someone snapped a picture at that time which is below. He also gave all of us the Commander's Coin so I am going to get this pic framed with the coin.


The Ricky Paquette Band was on first and they were awesome. JF, Martin and Ricky were all great guys on the trip and the crowd loved them - they put on a helluva show.



Wendy Daniels came back on (she was the host) and brought up Paul Gross to say a few words and Guy Lafleur threw some jerseys to the audience. Funny thing - they had every jersey except for a Leafs one. I personally think Guy burned them on the plane.



And then I was up - and it was great. Loved it - every second. I've got some pics here.




After me Crash Karma came on and closed the show. During their second last song our base launched 10 rockets towards the Taliban. It was unbelievable to see those rockets flying while they were playing. The most expensive light show in history me thinks.

Thanksgiving Monday

What better way to spend Thanksgiving Monday! With the troops in Kandahar City and the surrounding area - nothing could have been better. With the exception of the weather anyway.

I was one of the four people selected to fly out on a Chinook helicopter and visit our troops "outside the wire" - which is outside of the safe zone. I really lucked out as the lead singer from the Ricky Paquette Band (his name is Ricky Paquette - weird coincidence) was supposed to be on the trip but he backed out as he flew on the Chinook last year - and instead of choosing between his band members on who should go - he just backed out to give someone else the opportunity. And that person was me.

As he was backing out I walked up to Lou (the fabulous organizer for the trip) and said that if there were any cancellations then I would love to go. She said "It's full". I let her know that I knew that but if anything changes just to let me know. Not even 2 minutes later she came up and told me I was going. AWESOME.

So it's me, Guy Lafleur, Wendy Daniels and Paul Gross going to see da boys and girls in some FOB's.

The Chinook itself was unbelievable - we had about 25-30 people in ours and it is FAST. We were flying 30 feet off the ground and I was thinking "man, we're REALLY low". Then we went up to I don't know how high and thought "man, I wish we were low again".

There were two Chinooks - we were in one and the Chief of Defense Staff and the Minister of National Defense were in the other.

We landed at our first location (I won't be giving names) and I got to ride around in a Lav - no, not a toilet - it's a vehicle. And I really hope I got the name right as I was in the Reserves so I should know this. Pic below. I also met Warrant Shultz who happened to be from Kingston. He took this pic of me from the back of the Lav and we'll be meeting up for a beer when he gets back. If I remember correctly he's due back in Kingston on November 23rd and he's got a baby due on the same day. So....cutting it close.








The best moment in my comedy career came on this day. Ever since I started comedy I've always wanted to perform for the troops. Well - as Guy and Paul were signing autographs and Wendy was doing radio interviews a soldier asked me if I would be willing to do my act for them. Mind you - it's 9am, there will not be a microphone - but there is no way in Hell I'll be turning that down. Many of these soldiers would not have an opportunity to come back to the base on Tuesday to see our actual show so at least we were able to give a little something to them. And that show actually went well - sans microphone.

After I was finished the Chief of Defense Staff, the Minister of Veterans Affairs and the Minister of National Defense each gave speeches to the troops. And great ones at that - the CDS is very inspirational. And now when I do comedy shows I can actually say I opened for him.

The second base we flew to was quite a bit smaller. There was no hockey rink. They were lucky to have a port-a-potty . This is where I met the guys who disarm the IED's (like in the Hurt Locker). They were showing me videos of this.

They also got me to stand on top of the wall to get a picture. Probably the dumbest dare that I have done in my life. "Oh don't worry - there shouldn't be any Taliban around here" - as I'm standing on top of the base in the wide open. Dumb - but nothing happened so it turned out to be a cool picture.

I also did a show there and this time it was for about 50 people and not only was there not a microphone - there wasn't a stage. Yup - I performed for 50 troops on top of a gas truck. In hindsight - I have no clue what I was thinking when I thought standing on a gas truck in a war zone would be a good idea. I must say it's a little intimidating to do a show for a group that is armed with rifles and grenades.

From there we went to the third base where the MND and the CDS were going to assist in serving turkey dinner for the troops.

There was a guy - a reporter for a popular newspaper in Canada - that was......(Brian - keep this blog family friendly keep this blog family friendly)....heavyset - yes, heavier than the average Joe (I would assume he's in the 100th percentile) (DAMNIT Brian) - and he kept talking to his colleague about how he could hardly wait to have the turkey dinner. He lives in Afghanistan so he was looking forward to the turkey.

Well - I was standing talking to someone that lives in Kabul when I heard this "Ohhhhhhhhhhh" - just kind of a weird scream. I look over and the gentleman sat down on a bench - and I watched as the bench broke in half, he fell back and the turkey dinner pretty well flew to Pakistan. It was one of the funniest things I had ever seen.

But I didn't laugh. The girl I was talking to didn't laugh. I looked around and the troops in line for the turkey didn't laugh. Canada HAS to be breeding the best poker players in the world as everyone kept a straight face. We were there and he asked to be helped up and a soldier came over and grabbed his hand - the guy said he needed another soldier to help him up as well so another came over.

When all was said and done he didn't get his turkey dinner which I honestly felt bad about. But I walked up to the girl - just to check - and I said "Was that the funniest thing you've seen in a while or what?" And she said "I don't know how I kept from laughing". Yet we both spoke to each other in a serious matter the whole time. Maybe I'm a decent poker player too (although I have proven that I am not).

When I got back I had a little bit of the "waves" - my electrolytes were low and I knew that and it was a strange feeling. I kind of felt like I was floating so I told Mike Turner (guitarist for Crash Karma) and he gave me a B12 supplement or something like that - I forget what it was called. I thanked him and took the pill and started thinking.....wait a sec - under normal circumstances this would not be a good idea. I just accepted a small white pill from a rocker.

The video below is my view from the Chinook. You'll see a Griffin helicopter pop up in the background - they have 2 follow each Chinook. If you look closely you can see all of the sand that gets kicked up from the Chopper - I'd hate to be on the ground when we flew by as it formed about a 50 foot sand wall.

Flight over

I'll do these in a series of days I guess - there's too much to talk about in one blog.

I was chosen to be part of Team Canada at the last minute. I got an e-mail from my booking agent asking me if I'd like to go to Kandahar. As I've never been there before - I figured why not. Just kidding - it's always been my dream to perform stand-up for our troops and I jumped at the chance - I had to cancel work for a week and 2 gigs but I didn't even think of not going. How could I pass up this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity?

I went to the doctor's office to get my needles - since I didn't have my vaccination card we kind of had to guess what I already had. "What disease was in 1994? I got that shot". By the time I was finished with the needles I looked like I should be on Intervention. Fun times.

I then called CAA about life insurance and we all had a great laugh about that. Nope - CAA doesn't cover Afghanistan. Who knew?

So - I take the train on Saturday October 9, Thanksgiving weekend, and I arrive in Ottawa. They asked for me to go to the Canada Reception Centre. I had no clue where that was but they said it was by the airport. Which is good as we were flying.

I show up and I meet Tuna - Mark Fortuna - sound guy for Crash Karma. I am not a music buff by any means but I figured they were a rock band. Me smart.

The next person I meet? Paul Gross. I had no clue who was going on this trip so I was pretty amazed to see him. Also on the trip - 106.9 Virgin Radio's Wendy Daniels, the Ricky Paquette Band, Guy Lafleur and 10 MMA Fighters.

We get the speech from Gavin Lee - a SAR Tech from the Canadian Forces - google it if you don't know what it is. Awesome job. He gives us a briefing of what we're doing. He points to the plane and let's us know that's what we're flying in. Yup - the Prime Minister's plane. We do a meet and greet and off we went

Reno, our pilot - FUNNY guy. A little too funny - I didn't know if he actually knew how to fly a plane but he's one of the best from what I've heard. Please note that I only heard that from him. And he landed our plane so all was good in the end. I got to sit in the cockpit like a little kid and just stare out at the darkness as we flew. I got a couple of pics that I've attached.

On the plane we set up somewhat of a stage in the back so the bands got to rock out and I got to do a few minutes of stand-up just to say I did that at 40,000 feet.

Our first landing was in Germany - so I got a picture with some German writing in the background so I could prove that I was actually there. I didn't see anything - but I've physically landed there now so I can say that I don't need to go again. We were in Dodden or Fodden or something like that.

From there we flew over to just outside Dubai. I was trying to get a little bit of sleep in but there was a movie on with Keifer Sutherland in it and it was a wee bit disturbing. A girl ripped her face off. As fake as it is - when you're trying to sleep - that picture really doesn't make the sheep start jumping over the fence.

While on the plane I was talking to one of the guys from Crash Karma. I asked him if he'd been in other bands and he said he was the drummer for the Tea Party. Now - like I said, I'm not a music buff - BUT I do know The Tea Party. But I couldn't piece it together - I started thinking that maybe the cd I had was the Boston Tea Party as he couldn't possibly be the rocker for that band. But he was. The guitarist (Mike Turner) was from Our Lady Peace and the lead singer Edwin was from I Mother Earth. Very cool.

I have no clue what time we landed but it was light outside in UAE. Like 35 degree hot. We got there - gave up our passports and got a mug shot. You don't actually take your passports in Afghanistan - you leave them behind and take a photocopy. They gave us our gear (helmet, flak jacket) and we boarded a C-117 to fly to Kandahar. I thought it was fairly comfortable - the only thing that was a little awkward is that about 2 feet in front of me were a crate full of explosives. So the whole flight I was hoping for a smooth ride.

Flying into Kandahar was great - they turned off all of the lights in the plane, we did a couple of small maneuvers and landed. With the plane we were on there were no windows so when we were declining for a while it reminded me of Die Hard 2 when they crashed a little early. In those planes it's extra special when the wheels hit the ground...softly.

We were greeted at the airport by Peter MacKay and the Chief of Defense Staff. We were also greeted by the smell of.....poop. Yes - at the base - they don't have a sewage treatment plant. They put "everything" in the "poo pond". Revolting. Just terrible. Of course, and I don't know why - but 3 days later I asked to see this pond. Honestly - when am I going to see this 8th Wonder of the World again?

Went to sleep and the next day I flew "outside the wire".

DUN DUN DUN - cue music to say stay tuned.